I Love You Because I Love Me

 

LoverAs I sit here alone with my thoughtsI realized somethingAbout me,About you,About usIt just dawned on me thatI could never have readied my arms to accept you if I didn't first embrace myself

You know my storyQueer flower child resisting and pushing against the stifling sludge of religiosity that was spread over the divine ground I was planted in.

It took me 30 years to break through dogmatic concrete softened by the river of angst-filled tears that flows when one knows they're not living into their fullest self

I remember coughing up the salt water streaming into my mouth from my eyes because I was raised to think the capacity I had for love was wrongThat finding beauty in people for who they were - regardless of how their identities were configured - was a curse

I don't quite remember what shifted in me that staunched the flow of shame others gave to meOr what made me bust up the levies that held back the rainbow-hued divergence that I now celebrate and delight inBut at some point I began tosee,acknowledge,learn,hold,and understandthe beautiful markings of queerness etched into me by God themself

And in the solitude of this momentI realized that I am only able to care for you as I dobecause at some point I began to accept, love, and take joy in myself