I Don't Need You but I Want(ed) You

I sat with my best friend at 1:30 in the morning giving thanks to God for who we've become. We've spent countless hours speaking about the trivial and the pivotal and it is from that time that we have the ability to see growth in ourselves and each other. Last night's revelation came as our conversation shifted to men...go figure.

So I went out with someone the other day and this someone has played a pretty major role in the quirky, independent dramaedy that is my life. We've been in and out of each other's lives for years and he's someone I care for deeply. Our last face to face was one of those days that acted as a catalyst for change in my world last year. And by that I mean I left sad, in tears and by the end of the night had talked my best friend into the adventure of a lifetime. I FINALLY wanted to enter a real relationship with him and his wants didn't reconcile with mine.

So anyways, fast forward to the other day and I'm now sitting in front of a man who I wanted. And in our time talking and laughing and sitting in silence I realized he was not what I needed.

Want versus Need.

Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two. I feel fortunate because in this last year, I've learned how to tell the two things apart in a way I hadn't in the past.

For example, I wanted a relationship with this person BUT my world did not cease to exist nor did I waste away in a corner because of rejection. He was not my air, my sustenance or any other basic need and upon reflection I was able to see that our interactions were unable to meet what I need at my relational core.

It's in this space that I find myself talking to God, that place betwixt desire and necessity. The place where I am in life right now is sort of a crossroads; I'm on the precipice of so many things in the midst of my transition. My prayer has been for God to work with me to address my needs and then give me some of what I want.